WHY AM I SO FAT? WHY CAN’T I EVER LOSE THIS DISGUSTING WEIGHT? I HATE MY FAT BODY!
These are all things I’ve said to myself in my past life. Thankfully these damaging words are no longer in my vocabulary.
I’m about to share some very personal stuff here. I ask you to allow me the space to share a piece of me.
I was going through some my eating psychology notes the other night, and I came across a few journal entries and exercises I wrote a few years ago during my training.
As I read them, I observed how toxic my beliefs were, but more importantly, I noticed a couple of other things:
One important observation was my obsession with food and the hatred of body was just that – an obsession. Food, diet, body hate was all I ever thought about. When can I eat again? And why did I just eat all that? And just how much I hated my fat disgusting body.
Now reading through my notes, I can see that I was hurting very badly. I see a very wounded person who used food as love, control, punishment, and I’m okay with that because I just didn’t know any better.
But now I do. Thank God.
So now I’d like to share a couple of my entries with you because I’m certain you share many of them.
One exercise I had to do was why do I overeat? I overeat because I love food, of course!
Slow down, Lundy…there’s more to that question. Okay, so I was able to come up with a few more answers when I finally allowed the question.
I overeat because….
Food makes me feel good
It fills me up
Punishing myself for “cheating” on my diet.
Pushing the bad stuff down with food.
It absolutely gives me something to do
Food is a reward after a long day
Another question was what do I believe my nutritional toxic beliefs to be?
Food is bad
Fattening foods makes me fat
If I control my food, I can control my life
I hate food – I LOVE food
I have to be perfect on my diet – all or nothing!
When my weight is perfect, people will like me more
I will be successful
Once I’m thin, then EVERYTHING will fall into place
Why do you diet?
Because I’m fat – duh!
So everyone will know I’m at least trying to make an effort
Gives me something to do.
Why do I hate my body?
Because I can’t lose weight
Because it always lets met down
Because I was taught fat equals ugly
Fat people are lazy
Fat equals stupid and shame
I can’t move like everyone else
No one likes a fat person
Everyone is ALWAYS judging me and scrutinizing me
This was my operating system for over 30 years. I was not good enough because I was fat. I couldn’t be successful because I was fat. I couldn’t be this or that because I was fat! I hated my body into every diet imaginable and because of my OCD – dieting, food planning, obsession gave my OCD something to do.
Ladies and gentlemen, please hear me when I say – IT DOESN’T have to be this way anymore.
Our weight issues are often a calling from the Universe that something in our life other than our weight requires our attention.
So what do think your excess weight or dietary concerns are asked of you? There is no right/wrong here. It’s just a look through the eating psychology window to see what’s happening in your life that needs your attention.
Is there some unfinished business from your past that still needs some processing? That was my message. Until I addressed the scars of my an emotionally-challenging, somewhat dysfunctional childhood, I was never going to be able to keep the weight off for a long period of time.
I was the queen of always doing what I’ve always done and expected different results.
Are there some struggles in your personal life that are causing you to overeat, binge, obsessively diet? That’s where the work needs to be done along with a healthy nutritional food plan. Do you come home from work exhausted and head right to the pantry? I know I did. And if I don’t sit down for 10 minutes to unwind from a long day, I’ll be there again.
Do you use food has companionship because of an unhealthy relationship?
Does food give you something to do so you don’t have to address some struggles in your personal life?
Are you hating body so much that you’ve abandoned ship?
Are you using food as love, distraction, punishment, procrastination, replacement for something that is lacking in your life?
Here’s my journal entries for what is my challenge with my body and food teaching me.
Food should be used as nourishment not comfort, reward, punishment
Food should be enjoyed not feared
Food has no power – it is not love, companionship
I need to be more nourished in other places in my life
Fat is not ugly or lazy
How can I hate something as wonderful as me – I am not the size of my body.
So here’s my takeaway from all this, and I hope it’s yours.
I choose to relax around food.
I choose to move my body in ways that bring me embodiment
I choose to listen to my body and trust when it is happy and love it sincerely when it is not.
I choose to be happy now not when I have the “perfect” body – Trust me, there is NO PERFECT BODY OUT THERE – We must stop trying to find it!
Are you ready to look through the eating psychology window?
Does any of this resonate with you? If I can help move you to a place of peace and self-love, click here to start the conversation.
I would love to help you be seen for your greatest self and escort you to your purposeful life with the burden of negative thoughts and undervaluing who you really are. Call me at 718-258-9198 to set up a FREE consultation.
Always remember it’s about time we return to the heart.