If my challenge was here to teach me a higher lesson, something deeper, what do I think that would be? 

Wow…This question has come up many, many times in my training AND it is the essential piece of our success with examining our challenge with weight loss, binge eating, body shame, digestion and food allergies – AND this question has been the most challenging part of my training.  

What higher lesson is my struggle with my weight, body shame here to teach me?  I don’t know, I just don’t know.     

I’ve prayed on this question many times since beginning my training back in October, and it was only yesterday an answer came to me while I was listening to one of my classes.  

My instructor, Marc, was teaching us about mood swings and embracing our emotions – learning how to “be with” the anger, disappointment, frustration, sadness instead of pushing it down with food, alcohol, shopping, etc.  He was discussing how very often we hate ourselves after we’ve stormed into a binge because we are angry at our spouse, or boss, or that lady on the subway who pissed you off.  We spiral into a food coma without an awareness of the true reason we’re there.  

We’re not asked to “fix” or “justify” the emotion, we’re only asked to “be with” it, notice it, embrace it, accept it and just be aware of it and STOP being angry at ourselves for having the anger, frustration, loneliness. 

And here are the most important words that FINALLY hit home for me – my higher lesson, my something deeper, my message from God that I have prayed for since October… 

Love the person who is angry, frustrated, sad, etc.  STOP trying to fix her.  

Honestly, I’ve heard Marc say this a gazillion times and it never hit a nerve like it did yesterday.

I’ve struggled many years to stop hating my fat, weak, excluded, lonely self.  I’ve spent thousands of dollars trying to fix myself with diet after diet.  I’ve purchased and read four chapters of mostly ever self-help book out there.  I’ve “liked” countless diet experts’ Facebook pages, websites — trusting that they are the saviors to my fat struggles. 

Many of these so-called experts and WW leaders always suggested that I begin to embody who I am on the inside and begin to love myself.  WHAT? Are you kidding me – how the hell can I love this overweight, disgusting, fraudulent, shameful body.  

Love it?  I can’t even trust it.  It constantly lets me down – never loses the weight I so desperately what it to, it screws with regularly.  Love it?  Are you serious?  How?  How do I love something that I’ve hated for so many years? 

And that’s why Marc’s words hit me – I CAN’T possibly love something that I’ve hated for so long.  BUT I can begin to slowly get to know the person WHO is overweight, not as strong, fit, and agile as I’d like it to be.  

I can begin to love the person who has struggled for some many years with body shame and not belonging.  

I can begin to accept my journey and accept my past hurts — my trials and tribulations. 

And again, slowly – very slowly, I can begin to love the Nancy who struggles daily to LIKE herself.  

Something very important just came to me as I’m writing this…I do, in fact, like who I am – I just HATE what I look like.  

I like that I am trustworthy, kind, organized, smart, faithful, professional and I LOVE my sense of humor (others may differ, especially my kids), but I really don’t like my body size.  

So now I need to pray on something different – I need to ask God how do I love the Nancy who is not at her ideal weight, who wishes she was more flexible, who doesn’t like to exercise, who gets angry because she can’t lose a pound, but can gain it on a dime?  How God?  How do I do this?  

Stay tuned…